I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I鈥檝e been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I鈥檒l start going to the gym tomorrow.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Dear kangaroos, what鈥檚 stopping you from looking like this?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn鈥檛 notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 馃槄 Congratulations England, richly deserved 馃憦馃徑馃弳 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you鈥檙e too drunk to vacuum ?
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I don鈥檛 go to Starbucks very often. It鈥檚 intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that鈥檚 not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that鈥檚 not me. i don鈥檛 like you
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*