I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Rude much 😂😂😂
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.