I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
In space, no one can hear…
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.