I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I don’t make the rules sorry
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.