Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

fired

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.