Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?