I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.