I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.