Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!