I pray every night that I never become religious…
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This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.