I pray every night that I never become religious…
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…