Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

Y’all know who you are.

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this