I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
You Might Also Like
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.