Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister