Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Weirdos gonna weird.

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

🧠

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.