I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
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My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.