Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

I didn’t realize that was an option

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

Growing out my freckles.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.