Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Meeeee too!

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back