I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
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Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds