I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in