I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
When you’re Kinky but poor
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
