I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
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I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.
bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazyOrdered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”