Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes