I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
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If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.