i prefer mine room temperature.
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Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”