Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

i guess his teacher was really pissed

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.