I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.