I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
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me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*