Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

one of

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss