Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot