Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

This one never gets the credit it deserves

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

what?

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.