I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
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I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.