I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”