I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
work smarter, not harder
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔