I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I wish I could veto my bills.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob