I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
You Might Also Like
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
This is I, Robot all over again
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food