I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
This made me chuckle.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.