I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
A completely valid reaction tbh
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣