Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

real

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?