I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
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middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.