I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
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ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
A man of commitment.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.