I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport