I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
✌🏽
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.