Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

What my back needs

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

be safe out there!

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room