Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go