I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up