I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
