I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*