I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Thinking about Jeff
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.