I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
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Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
April 1st is the class clown of days.