When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine
I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can
I prefer undivided attention because I’m not a fan of math.
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Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
WD-40 is an essential oil.
Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns
Clown: nah we just want to scare people
Me: oh. can u make an exception for me
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Huge, if true.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Achieve the “smokey eye” look by setting your head on fire.