@_salt_n_lime
@Smooheed
When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine
I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can
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@Smooheed
@tragecies
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
@thholyghost
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
@ericsshadow
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
@RachelJuly16
WD-40 is an essential oil.
@roostermustache
Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns
Clown: nah we just want to scare people
Me: oh. can u make an exception for me
@annadrezen
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
@CrispinBurke
Huge, if true.
@Rollinintheseat
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
@FuckabillyRex
Achieve the “smokey eye” look by setting your head on fire.