I prefer undivided attention because I’m not a fan of math.

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[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.


[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?


Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”


*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.


I contend that for the last 25 years, language has been softened for easier consumption by the masses.

Murder Hornets:

Me: *deletes Tweet*


[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya


Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance


Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.


*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*

I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?


I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.