@_salt_n_lime

I prefer undivided attention because I’m not a fan of math.

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@Smooheed

When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can

@tragecies

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

@thholyghost

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

@ericsshadow

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

@roostermustache

Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns

Clown: nah we just want to scare people

Me: oh. can u make an exception for me

@annadrezen

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

@Rollinintheseat

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.