FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
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Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.