I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I have obtained a hat
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme