I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old