i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
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“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
No. YOU-buprofen.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Whisper out to librarians!
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.