I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
#StillHurts
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.