I pretend I’m on the phone when entering a barbershop & say “I stabbed him only cause I hate small talk ” so he doesn’t try to talk to me.

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“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”



Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.


The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.


I call my bedroom ‘The place where the magic happens’ because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.


In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.


If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz


Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.


9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.


Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school