I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
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Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Google assistant rules
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.