@KKAlThani

I pretend I’m on the phone when entering a barbershop & say “I stabbed him only cause I hate small talk ” so he doesn’t try to talk to me.

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@_Tempo11

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

@girlontapas

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

@JUSTLisandra

The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

@Schmoodles

I call my bedroom ‘The place where the magic happens’ because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.

@Cpin42

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

@badbrain1367

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@gruffybeard

9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.

@ThatOMGkid

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school