I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
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her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures