I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
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Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’m putting together a team
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet