Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

The Friday File.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.