I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
You Might Also Like
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
The Compass
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.