Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

my proudest tweet

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

The only equipped I am is ill.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.