I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
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Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I beg you to euthanise me
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*