I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
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“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I cannot stop laughing at this
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden