I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
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Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
my mom making me talk to relatives
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
drew a comic about my origin story
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
