Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror