I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
You Might Also Like
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?