I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
it must be school picture day
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
man i love columbo
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high