I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
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[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
best first i’ve ever seen
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages