I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
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“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.