Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.