Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle