Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Forever 21… pounds overweight

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

live long and prosper!

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.