Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

Selfie

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

sometimes i miss this memes

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away