Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.