I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol